Reflecting on my 20s thus far

Not long ago I read this Buzzfeed article titled "17 Things Twentysomethings Need to Chill Out About." If you've read any number of posts in this blog not related to my plants, you know that the last couple of years I have struggled in the job realm. Those difficulties and the secondary ones that stem from joblessness and job searching and wondering what in the heck I want to do with my life made this listicle hit really close to home. I wanted to reflect on some items in the list today.

1. You didn’t study the right thing at university.

Is it bad that I was wondering if I was on the right path by my sophomore year of college? I remember starting my very first newswriting class and having a hell of a time getting interested in it. I struggled with the vague directions and made-up news assignments. But by Newswriting II, I kind of enjoyed it. The class required us to pick a campus beat and find stories from it to turn in. This made it interesting, as I chose the College of Fine Arts (where my next choice of major probably would have fallen, had I decided to change).

I think now about returning to school to start over, but I'm not sure what to study. Design and hospitality cross my mind a lot, but I fear getting burnt out in these industries as easily as I did the reporting one. 

2. Your uni[versity] experience wasn’t as fun as everyone else’s.

I do regret not taking some of the chances I was offered in college. Traveling, studying random subjects, getting involved with different groups, even going to more parties. I was actually to a happy point of being able to stay up late and hold my liquor fairly well before I graduated. Two months into the working world and my habit of staying up past midnight every night was gone. I drink far less now, so my tolerance is also significantly lower. It's all to be expected, I'm aware, but I do miss being the age where it was expected to make terrible decisions (and share the resulting stories).

3. You have absolutely no idea what you want to do with your life. and 4. You don't have your dream job.

This is a topic I've blogged about before. I am 26. I was a reporter in the "real world" for about two and a half years (maybe a little longer if you count my internship), and the impression of experiences were not always enjoyable. I did like parts of it, and I got to meet a lot of really awesome people and learn really cool stuff about a whole variety of topics, but the eternal stress of deadlines apparently isn't the way I work. Yes I need a deadline to really get going, but maybe I was just too young to discipline myself into meeting them all.

Then again, maybe I was too young for the professional world in general. Looking back, I can see all the mistakes I made. If I went back to it, I might be able to do better. But for now, I'm still washing out the bitter taste the reporting industry has left in my mouth.

It's a very humbling experience, however, to know that you're qualified to work in an office or professional environment, earning a very livable wage and holding nice vacation and health benefits, but sending all of your job applications to gas stations and retail and customer service positions. I don't know how many coworkers I've come across in my last few jobs who were surprised when I told them I'd been to (and graduated from) college. "What are you doing working here?" they ask.

The truth is it's a combination of fear and desperation. I'm afraid to get back into a professional job again because what if I fail at it like I did the last time? What if I get fired just a few months in and have to go back to looking for another job? It's overwhelming. So I take low-pay, low-hours, entry-level jobs when I can get them just so I have some money coming in and do not have a long employment gap in my resume.

The jobs are easy. They have low expectations. I don't bring the stress of them home with me in the evening. Once that drawer is pulled and the money is counted and till is balanced, I go home and don't worry about it anymore. As some kind of professional, the stress follows you well beyond your eight hours per day. Your back is tight from sitting all day and worrying if what you turned in will be good enough, if your supervisor has some hidden agenda against you, if you may be walking a razors-edge line and not even know it.

But I know this isn't the kind of work I want to do for the rest of my life. Yes, I want something more. I just don't know what it is specifically yet.

8. You’re not able to afford to buy your own place.

I've actually been quite lucky in this area. From the time I started my first reporting job until now, I have managed to keep up with rent, even while job hunting. A very strange turn of events led me to living in a house as I am now, which is much preferable to having been forced to move back home (number 5 on the original list). However, I have felt stuck in Central Texas since about the second month of living here in 2011. I find myself dreaming most days of moving back to the eastern part of the state, under the pine trees, but the whole not having a great job and trying to help the fiancee settle the estate means we could be here a while.

But why shouldn't we? This house is paid for. We would only have to pay property taxes on it once per year. It's kind of hard to maintain (having never tried to keep more than a one bedroom apartment moderately clean before), but we have a roommate for now paying rent, a small yard for my plants and both of us are working. Neither are great jobs or hours or pay, but there is income. Moving would mean finding new jobs, new places to live, etc. I honestly think I'm okay staying here for a little while while we try to save our money back up.

12. You feel like your time is running out.

I've had an itch to travel the country or even to another part of the world for years now. I was actually planning to go somewhere in 2013, as I'd worked over a year at the paper I was at and would have actual vacation time to use. Then my position was cut, and I had to start a new job and try to rebuild vacation time from scratch there.

Obviously the time and money situations haven't improved. I'm still dying to visit other states and cities and even countries. I feel like the older I get the harder it will become to do these things (especially if I don't get in good with some company). Brian and I took the Amtrak to Fort Worth last weekend and picked up several brochures and a magazine of the routes the train takes. I'm enamored with the routes that go to Nashville and New Orleans and Memphis. I want to traverse other cities, try new foods, listen to local music and just escape the annoyances of my life for a little while.

As it becomes less likely looking that I can really travel abroad, I shift my focus. I've wanted to go to Louisiana for months now. It's just a state over. I've actually visited Shreveport before, but I want to visit the French Quarter. Try a bakery, visit a jazz club, take a ghost tour. Be a freaking tourist, you know? I guess someday, but damn I wish it was sooner.

17. You’re getting old.

I know for a fact I'm not the only "twentysomething" worried about this. I found my first gray hair a week before my 23rd birthday, and it's far from the only one there now. My forehead and corners of my eyes are already showing signs of where the wrinkles will be.

These combined with the item discussed above really make me feel like time has gotten away from me in this decade of my life. But I look at the other people I know in my life, the people who have survived their twenties and still seem happy, and I have hope.

Some of them struggled working multiple part-time jobs well into their 40s before they found a well-paying full-time position (regardless of whether they enjoy it or not) and make time for activities they enjoy outside of work hours. Some branched out to do their own thing a few years before turning 30 and now travel and do everything they wanted to and seem thrilled with how things are going (but no one really broadcasts all their insecurities).

On the flipside, there are a few items on the list I seem to have conquered. I have not yet had to move back home (#5), I'm not a flippant spender (#6. You're rubbish with your finances) and I am a decent cook (#7. You're a terrible cook). I am engaged (#10. Everyone around you is getting hitched), though planning a wedding has taken a backseat to everything else going on. I've dated around and know the relationships that ended did so for a reason (#11. You're hung up on someone). I know that my friends are struggling with the same assortment of things I am (#13. You're not as cool as your friends) and the changes in my body seem to be for the positive (#15. Your body is changing).

I guess I'm saying I know that there is still time to grow and improve myself when the first digit of my age is no longer a 2. I'm just hoping that everything I want to accomplish is still doable by then.

On being a pharmacy cashier

All right, I just submitted my first timecard for the new pharmacy cashier position I started last week.

 I get to wear comfy clothes.

First, I want to state how glad I am I started a part-time job instead of taking on a full-time. I have felt so exhausted every morning since starting this job, and it's only four hours a day. If this was going back into the corporate world, I probably wouldn't have managed to do anything but work and sleep last week.

That stated, I think I will like this job. There's a lot to learn on using the computer systems, but everyone else seems to have a good grasp on it and I was already starting to get the hang of it after the second day. Obviously the easiest scenario is when everything goes right: the person gives you their name, you find their prescription in the proper bin, you scan it, they pay for it, and they go on their merry way.

Unfortunately, everything goes right seemingly two or three out of ten times. The rest of the time, the prescription hasn't been put away yet, the doctor hasn't called in a change in medication yet, insurance hasn't processed or paid their part yet, etc. etc. Usually it's not too hard to fix these problems and inform the patient of the situation. Other times you get the people who swear this happens every time or want the prescription 10 minutes after leaving their doctor appointment.

All that aside, it's not a bad gig. The people I am working with are great. Good senses of humor, generally, and happy to help when newbie Audrey has another question.

I'm even scheduled to work a whole eight-hour shift (eep) next Saturday, so I have a lot to practice and get proficient on this week. Not an insurmountable task, and hopefully I'll readjust to working again. I even got sweet new shoes with some birthday money this weekend so my feet aren't killing me when I get home.

Mmmmemory foam.

Awesome news!

I start a new job Monday!

Yes! Actually, I got two phone calls yesterday. One from Buc-ee's, where I'd sent an application last month. They conducted a short phone interview and told me if the general manager wanted to hire me, I'd hear from them within 24 hours. The second from the staffing agency, saying that the pharmacy I'd interviewed with the week before for a cashier position had made the decision to hire me. I let the agency know my availability (where they decided to start me next Monday), and I went in this morning to go over some privacy information/laws/procedures for the company the pharmacy is run through. 

I did not get the call back from Buc-ee's, which was actually a relief. While it would have paid better and been more hours than the pharmacy position, it was going to be really hard to go from not working at all for two months to working eight hours a day on my feet again. I mean, I could do it if I had to, but it was going to be rough. Taking a part time job means I can ease myself back into the working world and probably take another part-time job for the morning if I so desired. 

It's funny, because after I called the agency to do the weekly check-in (letting them know my availability) Monday, I was talking to the dog, telling him we could use some good news, and good news came. Right when I was starting to wonder if I'd ever be considered good enough for a job again. 

On an unrelated note, Brian and I were talking about exercise on Sunday and I just had to open my mouth and tell him about the 100 push up challenge/training program I'd read about online years ago. Basically, it starts by asking you to do as many good-form push ups as you can do, then you follow a regiment to get you up to being able to do 100 consecutive push ups in six weeks.

Brian got excited about it. 

So we started the challenge with the initial test on Sunday. He got 21 good-form push ups before collapsing. I got 11 modified-style push ups (the girly ones, where you are on your knees instead of your toes) before I was done. 

Today we did the first day of the challenge. I had to do reps of six, six, four, four and then max (I made it to seven), while Brian did ten, twelve, seven, seven then max (he made it to 13). 

We have a ways to go, especially since both of us were still sore from our initial test two days ago. But doing things as a duo holds us each accountable. We will see how this progresses.

Still trying to figure it out

So I'm starting to really want to figure out what I want to do with my life. 

At the end of March it will be a full year since I have held a full-time reporting job and decided it just isn't the field I want to be in. 

In all honesty part of giving up was spite. It was the second reporting job that had tanked under me, though for different reasons. But I know that my heart really wasn't into the responsibilities. Journalism is something I am capable of doing, but really don't do well because I'm not that invested in it.

So I'm trying to figure out what I do want to invest myself in.

Jacque inspires me in some ways on this. She has a full time job with the state, but spends almost all of her free time working with Austin Boxer Rescue. Those dogs are her big focus. Every week she has new stories about successful adoptions or new intakes. While rescue isn't an easy task, it seems to give her a purpose in life she strives to live up to. I want something to feel that excited about. 

Because her passion isn't linked to her job, it gives me hope that I can just have a job and still do something fulfilling on the side. I just can't figure out what that would be. 

During these times, when I'm home all day, not working, I stay busy cleaning and cooking. And I don't feel like a failure at the end of the day. Surprisingly, I like when everything is clean and I have cookies or brownies or casseroles I made in the fridge or on the counter to eat. I like when there are no dishes in the sink or laundry on the floor. These are just hard tasks to maintain when working 40 hours a week (or even just 20 hours). 

I've also realized how much I enjoy sewing. I look up interesting tutorials online, do a practice project, and make notes on how to improve for making the "real" one (the one I'm going to keep or give as a gift). I get so wrapped up in cutting and pinning the fabric, sewing the pieces and adding finishing touches, similar to how I get wrapped up in trying new recipes in the kitchen, with the computer blasting music to the room. 

They're one in the same, really.

But these hobbies are things I don't expect to be able to make money at. I used to love writing, but when it became a job, I dropped doing it recreationally. I even stopped reading when writing was my job. Since leaving reporting, I've read so many more books. Granted they are middle-school reading levels, but in the last nine months I've finished seven or eight books. I think I managed to finish reading just three books in the two and a half years prior.

If I tried to start a cake business, I'd end up resenting any customer I got because I'd have to bake when I didn't want to. If I started an Etsy shop for sewing projects, I'd be mad I had to make more of anything when stock got low. 

And I'm tired of resenting things I love to do.

I do have a preliminary phone interview tomorrow morning I'm hoping goes well. The job sounds very decent and very doable. It wouldn't require being on my feet for hours at a time, like my last several jobs, so I might still have energy to do the things I've discovered I love doing when I get home. 

Then again I might get the other (retail) job I applied for, and be kind of where I was before. 

Some other things I've considered doing to find my niche in life:
-volunteering at an animal shelter
-visiting different churches, seeing if there's a place where I feel like I fit in
-starting a theme blog to write for income
-freelance work for magazines
-tutoring
-learning to do clothing alterations, then offering the service

I just figured with all the job-related posts I've written, I might as well add one about the specifics of the search.