A few diabetic thoughts

Today is Friday, but it's the Sunday of my mid-week weekend. Tomorrow I'm back to work for Saturday and Sunday, so I'm trying to enjoy this day off with nothing to do. I did the grocery shopping and even made a big dinner yesterday, so there are leftovers in the fridge to get me through quite a few lunches and don't-feel-like-making-a-mess dinners.

I was making a cup of the new French Vanilla coffee I got yesterday and somehow started contemplating my current frustrations with my diabetes. Most of the people reading this blog are aware that I am Type 1 diabetic and I have been since I was 8 years old. Lately (meaning for the last couple of years, but this year in particular) I've been working to try and get back into checking my blood sugar regularly. I'm getting a lot better, especially using this phone app, Diabetes+, that lets me log everything from my glucose and insulin to activity and carb intake.

When I first started using it, I did log EVERYTHING.

It's becoming more of a habit for me, which is good, even though it's still only sporadic that I actually get to test four times a day like I should -- generally I only make it to two or three times.

But the more awareness I have of what my blood sugar is actually doing, the more frustrated I get about it, particularly the morning highs that have apparently been getting me for a lot longer than I've been aware.

Morning is usually the time I don't forget to test. It runs high at that time, so there are a lot of purple/high readings. It almost makes me start to hate purple. Almost.

For example, last night I went to bed with my glucose at 117, which is right in line with the 80-120 goal. All I did was take my Lantus (the long-acting insulin) and go to sleep. When I woke up today, my blood sugar was 177. Up sixty points after just sleeping?

It's not an isolated thing. The night before my glucose rose 38 points, and the night before it shot up by 80.

It's why most of the line graphs the app generates look like the world's worst roller coaster.

I am aware of the "dawn phenomena," where the liver will dump glucose into the blood during the night. Theories on why vary, but the one I remember is the body thinking that the blood sugar is dropping, so the liver dumps its store into the blood to bring it up. Regardless of why, it's a bitch to control.

Aside of rises in blood glucose beyond my own control, I'm also learning that I probably have less of an idea of how many carbs are in what I eat than I thought I did. This has led me to just take insulin for what I think is in something, plus a couple extra units depending on what that food did to me in the past. Some horrible offenders are pizza and coffee. The fat in pizza causes a delay in the processing of the carbs in it, resulting in a delayed spike in blood sugar. I don't know what it is about coffee, but even when I drink it with just half and half and Splenda, I have to correct for 25-30 carbs worth, even though I probably only ingested less than 10. Members of some of the diabetic Facebook groups I'm in have reported similar spikes, even when drinking coffee black, so my theory is that it's something to do with the caffeine content.

Yet I just keep coming back...

In general though, getting back to monitoring myself has been frustrating but will be worth it. I feel more in control when I KNOW what my glucose is doing, not when I just make a vague guess. It's costing some time and definitely some money to keep all the supplies in stock, but all necessary evil.

I have to commend my doctor, also. She gave me the kick in the rear that got me to actually try taking care of myself again. She hasn't ever really lectured or belittled me, either, but she works with me to try and figure out carb ratios and correction scales that will actually help keep things in check. Honestly, I'd forgotten about her suggestion to use a 1:8 ratio in the mornings and 1:10 the rest of the day until maybe a couple of weeks ago, and it really brought my lunchtime readings back down.

Yes, the number of readings per day is still under-par, but there's much fewer purple/high readings in the last couple of days, which makes me happy.

In case anyone thought diabetes was an easy thing to deal with, hopefully this will make you ask some questions and be interested to learn more about what's involved with controlling this disease. I'm free to take a crack at any questions you may have. :-)

Projects and thoughts of reinvention

Hello random readers. A bit of non-plant oriented thoughts to share today.

I realized how "meh" I have been feeling with life a couple weeks ago. An old friend will ask me how things are going and I don't have much more to say than "fine." It's not that things are going badly - things are much better now compared to last year - but I don't feel excited about anything. There's no passion or force guiding my thoughts or actions.

Reflecting on this, I tried to think of times when I was excited. Usually, they happened when I had some kind of short-term goal or project in mind. A book series I was determined to finish; an item I wanted to sew; a garden to plan; a drawing to complete; a push-up goal to reach. Any time I had one of these, there was something to think about during long work hours. The creative gears turned and I brainstormed ideas for variations and improvements to projects waiting on my return.

Lately the only way I've been able to get this kind of release is by picking and choosing recipes to try, but by the time I get home other tasks would take precedence or I'd simply be too tired to take action.

I'm tired of just floating through the day, waiting to go home so I can watch reruns of TV shows (because everything is in its summer sabbatical) or go to sleep. Besides being tired, I'm lacking a initiative to actually start a project. The last thing I tried to sew, a pajama pant project, I didn't get past the first leg. I have one book left in a trilogy I started last year, but finishing another series butted in to that plan, and I haven't been able to drag myself back to it (I did re-start the Harry Potter series though, go figure). The garden is at that watch-and-wait point, so there's not a lot of active work required unless I wanted to buy more plants, which is the last thing I need to do at the moment.

As a branch-off to this vein, I was thinking about a possible project: reinvention. Sort of, anyway. For a long time I have admired "nice" clothing and people who always look put-together. Despite this, I have always found myself defaulting to T-shirts and jeans, not bothering much with my hair and almost never wearing makeup.

Almost all the clothing tutorial pins I've collected are for skirts, though I almost never go out in skirts unless it's a job interview or a formal occasion. Like a lot of women around my age, I have an infatuation with 40s and 50s era women's fashions.Thrift store dresses are one of the easier items to repurpose, but I don't have a lot of reason to wear them now that almost everyone I know has graduated and there aren't any weddings scheduled to happen in the near future.

It's unfortunate that I feel I need a reason to look nice, but with a job that requires scrubs, a hobby that requires a gi and no energy afterward to do much more than sit or sleep, I just can't justify dressing in more than pajamas or a glorified version of them most of the time.

There's not really a point to this rambling. I just feel better writing it out for future reflection.