Still trying to figure it out

So I'm starting to really want to figure out what I want to do with my life. 

At the end of March it will be a full year since I have held a full-time reporting job and decided it just isn't the field I want to be in. 

In all honesty part of giving up was spite. It was the second reporting job that had tanked under me, though for different reasons. But I know that my heart really wasn't into the responsibilities. Journalism is something I am capable of doing, but really don't do well because I'm not that invested in it.

So I'm trying to figure out what I do want to invest myself in.

Jacque inspires me in some ways on this. She has a full time job with the state, but spends almost all of her free time working with Austin Boxer Rescue. Those dogs are her big focus. Every week she has new stories about successful adoptions or new intakes. While rescue isn't an easy task, it seems to give her a purpose in life she strives to live up to. I want something to feel that excited about. 

Because her passion isn't linked to her job, it gives me hope that I can just have a job and still do something fulfilling on the side. I just can't figure out what that would be. 

During these times, when I'm home all day, not working, I stay busy cleaning and cooking. And I don't feel like a failure at the end of the day. Surprisingly, I like when everything is clean and I have cookies or brownies or casseroles I made in the fridge or on the counter to eat. I like when there are no dishes in the sink or laundry on the floor. These are just hard tasks to maintain when working 40 hours a week (or even just 20 hours). 

I've also realized how much I enjoy sewing. I look up interesting tutorials online, do a practice project, and make notes on how to improve for making the "real" one (the one I'm going to keep or give as a gift). I get so wrapped up in cutting and pinning the fabric, sewing the pieces and adding finishing touches, similar to how I get wrapped up in trying new recipes in the kitchen, with the computer blasting music to the room. 

They're one in the same, really.

But these hobbies are things I don't expect to be able to make money at. I used to love writing, but when it became a job, I dropped doing it recreationally. I even stopped reading when writing was my job. Since leaving reporting, I've read so many more books. Granted they are middle-school reading levels, but in the last nine months I've finished seven or eight books. I think I managed to finish reading just three books in the two and a half years prior.

If I tried to start a cake business, I'd end up resenting any customer I got because I'd have to bake when I didn't want to. If I started an Etsy shop for sewing projects, I'd be mad I had to make more of anything when stock got low. 

And I'm tired of resenting things I love to do.

I do have a preliminary phone interview tomorrow morning I'm hoping goes well. The job sounds very decent and very doable. It wouldn't require being on my feet for hours at a time, like my last several jobs, so I might still have energy to do the things I've discovered I love doing when I get home. 

Then again I might get the other (retail) job I applied for, and be kind of where I was before. 

Some other things I've considered doing to find my niche in life:
-volunteering at an animal shelter
-visiting different churches, seeing if there's a place where I feel like I fit in
-starting a theme blog to write for income
-freelance work for magazines
-tutoring
-learning to do clothing alterations, then offering the service

I just figured with all the job-related posts I've written, I might as well add one about the specifics of the search.

Thoughts on kids

Don't know why I felt like discussing this today, but I do. 

It's been close to six years now since I first told my dad I didn't think I wanted to have children. Then it was a matter of consideration of my genes - I have been type 1 diabetic since I was in second grade, and one side of the family has heart issues while the other side has a prevalence of cancer. 

When he got upset, I brushed it off, telling him "I'm 19, do you think anything I say now is set in stone?"

Now I'm getting close to turning 26 and my decision to not have children has not changed. 

Additional factors have come into play, like having a fiance with other genetic risks, consistent financial struggles and - this is where get arguments - a general impatience for children. 

I have to clarify to say I don't hate children; I just can't tolerate them for very long periods of time. I've seen too many parents with screaming, uncontrolled children throwing fits or wreaking havoc in department stores to think "Gee, that looks fun! Let's have one at home to destroy a living space I can barely keep looking decent as it is!"

Why WOULDN'T you want one??

Children are also hard for me to deal with in the fact that they are too young to have a sense of compassion or consideration. By nature, they are just very selfish creatures. We all are before we start to grow up and learn how not to be (well, most of us), so it's not something I hold against children personally. I just don't know if I can wait the 18 years or so it takes for them to realize what they've put others through with the demands and fits. 

I am aware that rearing style has a huge impact on how a kid behaves and ends up. I've also noticed a trend of parenting advice that constantly contradicts itself. Helicopter parenting seems to be one of the worst trends we finally started moving past. But this is a world where it's less and less acceptable to let small children play outside unsupervised. We had toddlers as young as 2 years old running up the street with the other kids in the neighborhood when I was young, and it was okay because we all looked out for one another (and knew to keep an eye out for cars and move out of their damn way when they came around). 

You don't see that with children anymore. They're so sheltered, they don't seem to think anything will happen to them if they don't pay attention or even go outside. 

I don't have the patience to learn to speak on their level and do not particularly want the responsibility of raising another human being. What's one of the first things they look into when some kid or young person snaps and hurts others? Home life. Parents. Living environment. No thanks. 

So your mom got mad that you wouldn't pick up the toys? Hm, she's going to have a psychopath on her hands if she's not careful.

A lot of people like to act like I'm being silly when I say I don't have patience for kids. One I got from a former employer was "It's different when they're your kids." She'd say how she didn't want kids, but now she has three that she loves dearly.

I don't think she doesn't love them, I can tell she truly does. If I happened to find myself pregnant, I'm not going to detest the baby, it's not their fault. But babymaking is not something I'm going to try to accomplish. 

No one's made the "biological clock" argument to me yet. I can't really argue it, but it seems like everyone else around my age has decided if they want kids or not. If not now, when will it start ticking? If it's past 35, and I'm still as tired then as I am now, I'm hitting snooze on that sucker, as suggested in the video linked there. With a baseball bat. 

However, I do struggle with the idea of not having grandchildren. If I am lucky enough to reach an age where my hair is white and I start to move a little slower, it would be awesome to have grandchildren to celebrate holidays with and buy gifts for. But you have to do your time of snotty noses, sticky fingers and sobbing temper tantrums to get to that and I'm not sure I want to make the investment (then possibly have children who don't want grandkids).

By this, I understand why my dad was so upset about not getting grandkids. He outright said "the only reason people have kids is so they can have grandkids!" and even offered to pay for me to adopt so he'd have someone to spoil. 

Adoption is not something I'm counting out. 

The process is understandably long and expensive, but the idea of helping a kid (an older kid, preferably) out does have its appeals. 

Sometimes I think it's just babies I don't want to deal with. Skipping ahead to an older kid who would ideally understand the give-and-take of life a little better may make things easier to deal with. 

But that is still in the future for me. I need to figure out a career before I even start thinking about taking on the responsibility of another non-animal life, and it's something I don't intend to do out of order. 

For more journalistic information on the growing popularity of people opting to not have children, check out this Time article from April 2013 (dig up a copy at a library if you don't have a subscription). 

EDIT: This article appeared as a suggestion on my Facebook on 1/19. It offers yet another perspective on deciding between having or not having children. 

Thoughts on the Sia video "controversy"

I think anyone who's watched syndicated morning news or visited Facebook or YouTube in the last week has at seen at least something regarding the video released by Australian singer Sia, Elastic Heart.

The video features Shia LeBouf, 28, and a girl from the Dance Moms show, 12-year-old Maddie Ziegler. If you haven't yet watched it, feel free to do so here:

Apparently a lot of people find the video "inappropriate" for implied pedophilia. 

I heard about the problems people were having with the video before I watched it, so I went in halfway out of curiosity, halfway looking for what was supposed to be there.

And I didn't see it. Well, not explicitly. I can see where some people might think it was there, but in all honesty I thought it was just an amazing, raw, powerful piece of art, and I don't refer to music videos as art. 

There is a feralness to both dancers, and while I'm first to admit I don't really know what the song is about, a sense of internal conflict seems represented with the cage and obvious friction between characters. 

I do not see pedophilia. I see amazing talent on the part of Ziegler. I see maturity on the side of LeBouf. I see a lot of hours of practice and probably building of trust between the two. I don't see anything inappropriate (unless you are looking for it). 

In fact, I looked up Sia's other video, Chandelier, to see more of Ziegler's dancing and was astounded again. While the interpretive style may not be everyone's cup of tea, I find the rawness of the movements far more attention-holding than the precise grace of ballet or ballroom dance (which I am not insulting, because all styles take a lot of ability and practice; you can take it from the chick who can barely two-step). 

So, for this short little post, I just hope people can calm down and appreciate the modern-art-ness of this music video and stop trying to find something dirty in everything they look at. 

Thoughts? Feel free to share. 

Obligatory 2014 review

To be completely frank, 2014 sucked.

Between big steps down in my career situation, flash-moving to Temple from Georgetown, dealing with the death of Brian's grandmother and settling of her estate, various health issues on Brian's end and what seems to be the ultimate death of Squirtle, I'm hoping for better things from 2015.

The first three months of the year were just fine. I was working at Community Impact, striving to become a better connected reporter and be on time with my assignments. Then management decided my efforts weren't good enough and cut me. 

This was partly a good thing. I was not happy there, especially under my editor (who had four reporters under her in about three years, myself lasting one year), and it has given me a chance to step back and realize reporting may not be what I want to do with my life. 

However, that doesn't mean my next steps were obvious. 

To ensure I had income, I took a waitressing job at a barbecue restaurant where Brian had recently gotten into a part-time cleaning gig. Following the loss of my income, he managed to get more hours working the pits as well as cleaning. For the first time, we were both bringing in money and not doing too badly.

And you really get to where you can't smell that smoked brisket aroma any more.

Then his grandmother got sick. 

Around April she was admitted to the hospital. For two months there was a lot of back and forth about whether she would go home or to assisted living or to Burleson to be near her only living daughter. Ultimately, she decided she wanted to go home, so Brian told her he would move in to help take care of her (he had quit the barbecue job in June and gone back to working on air conditioners).

So in July, we moved to Temple. And it was functioning. While we worked (I was still commuting to Jarrell to work at the restaurant), a family friend helped take care of his grandmother, with hospice workers visiting daily to make sure medication was being taken and comfort was maintained.

When his grandmother started having trouble keeping her oxygen levels up, things fell apart again. 

Powers of attorney and wills were changed. Arguments occurred. Then on Saturday, July 19, I got a phone call to go back to Temple. Brian needs me.

He'd just spent an hour laying with his grandmother, talking, before she died. 

It's amazing how the end of a life sets off the start of a slew of new, legal-themed adventures.

After we almost had a funeral planned, we learned about Texas' Appointment of Agency, which essentially means Brian's aunt had to plan the funeral. She delayed it, changed everything about it (and probably tripled the cost), but the funeral happened and everyone moved on.

Except Brian. We still had to get the will probated (in August-ish), inventory the estate and notify beneficiaries. I started working at a restaurant in Temple at the end of July and quit working in Jarrell in early August with the thought that, even though it would be a cut in income I would be motivated to get into a better job faster.

I applied and applied and applied to jobs for months while working less than 20 hours a week on waitress wages ($2.13/hour). Good jobs with big companies, entry level jobs with grocery stores and the like. No takers. I had one interview with Fikes, but was turned down for an ATM customer service position.

Something good did happen in August though: Brian and I got engaged. Using a ring his grandmother left him to give to me, we discussed marriage and he convinced me that we would stand a pretty good chance at making it work. 

And I keep getting so many compliments on the ring...

Around that time of year, I'd also lost about 25 pounds from the pure stress of little income, stressed fiancee and, honestly, not eating very much. Having J.W., a friend of ours through aikido, move in as a roommate around the end of September helped with some of the financial burden, but as he was dealing with divorce and depression in his own life, sometimes it just added to our stresses. We love the man like family though and feel like we probably ended up in the same house together because we all needed one another at this point of our lives.

Then more good news: Brian was diagnosed with kidney stones about the second week of November. I was sick the weekend before (right after Halloween), then he finds himself doubled over on the floor one Sunday morning, screaming in pain. We thought it might have been the hernia he had diagnosed a month before but the pain was too much. We went to the ER and were eventually told he had two kidney stones.

We visited the ER about four times that week, along with about two doctor appointments and one walk-in appointment with the doctor for various pains and drug interactions -- yes, we were at the hospital literally every day for a week straight. 

The day they removed the stones. He'd be very displeased that I uploaded this photo.

It was a very difficult, sleepless time for us both, but we eventually got the stones removed and were even told we qualified for level one charity with the hospital because we made so little money. I guess the struggle for a job for me and seasonal joblessness for him played in our favor there.

I'd dropped Brian off at the hospital to talk to his doctor one day when I went in for an interview at Hobby Lobby. It was the one job that I'd called and followed up on several times after applying (at Brian's insistence). When the manager offered me a seasonal position, I agreed to start the very next week, despite the short notice I'd have to give at the restaurant. I didn't want to leave them shorthanded, but I was tired of living hand-to-mouth and losing almost all of my bank savings just to pay bills each month.  

 

Hobby Lobby: where the floral department is way more popular than you'd think

Then Acer joined the family. We started hanging out at Brian's former stepmother's house on Sunday evenings to watch Walking Dead. She is part of the Austin Boxer Rescue and one of her fosters, a senior boxer named Acer (a.k.a. Methusela) was having trouble with another male in the house. We'd fostered some other boxers this year, just when Jacque needed a little help, so we had some idea what to expect with them. Brian offered to foster him so Jacque could keep an eye on him, but also not have to referee fights in her house, and here he stays. He's got some itching problems, but I feel like he's really helping Brian like only a dog can. 

 He doesn't look like it here, but this dog loves Brian.

Jacque has also been good for us this year, giving us a break from estate work and our everyday stress once a week when we go over to hang out, eat some food and watch some TV. That's at least one thing I hope we continue in the new year.

I was leaving a shift at Hobby Lobby when my car bit the dust in late November. We were looking at having to buy a new vehicle and dig up $1,200 for property taxes on the house we've been living in since July (until we learned estates must be settled by selling items from the estate. No out-of-pocket action, even with property taxes due this month).

In a way, the law requiring settling the estate this way was a relief; that money won't be taken out of my savings account, like we were anticipating, but it still has to come from somewhere, so we are jumping on selling things for what we can get for them. Already some furniture and the flatscreen TV are gone, and we're going through other things with the help of some friends in preparation for a garage sale.

Currently, on the first day of 2015, we have someone interested in the Volkswagen, so we may be able to get a little money back in the bank. We are making one-vehicle-two-jobs work as long as we have to. Brian may have a new job by mid-month, and I will know by the end of January whether I will stick around at Hobby Lobby or be moving back into the job hunt arena. 

Not everything about 2014 sucked, obviously, but here's hoping for more positivity to reflect on this time next year.