Brian and I traveled to Alabama this weekend for the American Tomiki Aikido Association Fall 2015 seminar. For two days we got to play with unfamiliar partners, learn alternate approaches to the techniques we study at Full Circle Aikido and in general be immersed in the martial art.
In the week or so leading up to the seminar I had been contemplating starting to document my training journey (four years in is better late than never, right?). I wanted to talk about what I was currently focusing on, what I'm trying to do better, what I'd like to learn in the future, etc. etc., but one of the things on my mind from the seminar now is more personal.
I confided in Brian that there were a couple people I'd wanted to work with at the seminar but did not get to. One I decided I'd rather wait until next time, the other I'd started to get the feeling just didn't like me much, so I defaulted to staying away. Brian told me what I already knew and had been trying to do: just grab the people I want to work with.
I've never been an aggressive person in any sense and the idea of just walking up to someone and saying "Let's work on this" is only slightly less terrifying to me now than it was to me ten years ago. Approaching people does not come easily to me. I don't have any problem working with someone unfamiliar or practicing unfamiliar techniques with people, I just don't like to be the one to instigate things. I want someone else to approach me or, even better, to be assigned a training partner.
From group projects in school to my freaking adult life the prospect of approaching someone makes me intensely uncomfortable. I feel like I need the security of someone else choosing me to stifle that fear of being an undesired group member, to say "hey, you're not completely repulsive and I wouldn't mind being in close proximity with you for a while."
Isn't that pathetic?
Stemming from these thoughts is the admittance that I also do not take criticism well. The slightest non-glowing comment is enough to make me want to admit defeat and walk away from any endeavor. Honestly, it was one of my biggest problems in newswriting too, but not one I talk about.
If I had to guess why, it would probably be that I did not receive a lot of criticism as a child. I was always an A student. The oldest child. Generally an independent worker. There was little need for my teachers or parents to tell me what I was doing wrong, so it happened so rarely I never grew any kind of endurance for it.
These have been two of my most prominent flaws -- in my view -- lately. Maybe it's why I've been itching to get back into my quiet solo hobbies, the kinds of things I can do and show no one and never have to deal with anyone else's input on the final product. Maybe I'm just getting frustrated with actually wanting something and being in my own way of getting it. Or maybe I just need some damn sleep so I can go back to being the moderately-adjusted adult I've grown into being.
