That first coffee after you lose your dog

When I found out I was going to be off on Monday and Tuesday this week, I was grateful. We planned to put Acer down this afternoon, so I was glad I was going to have the day to spend with him and the following day to get my head right before going back to work. But situations changed and we ended up putting him Sunday around noon.

It rained all day yesterday. On the trip to the vet, the trip to Jacque's, the whole time we were burying him. The entire afternoon and evening while Brian talked on the phone and I kept fighting waves of "It's fine" and "He's gone."

This morning I slept in a little, but when I got up there was still a tug to go let him out of his kennel so he could go out from the back of my mind. As I'm trying to figure out breakfast, something in the back of my mind kept saying "You should see if he wants to eat anything this morning." Unloading the dishwasher I kept expecting to turn around and have him standing right in my way.

It's always so much harder than I think it will be.

I'm at the dining table, listening to music, drinking coffee and typing. I hesitated to plug in my tablet because he would trip over the cord if he tried to get by it.

Part of me is clawing to get another dog. Something to fill the empty kennel in the living room and missing part of my damn life. But I know I need to process this first. I need to gather up Acer's things, sort out what belongs to us and what goes back to the rescue to help another animal. I want to go through photos to make a collage to go under the one that features Grace.

I also just want to not be in the house today. Normally I don't at all mind being home all day. I play music, clean the kitchen, watch TV, cook  things, plan for the week, and am just generally productive  while also relaxing myself. But today it seems empty and cold in here. Lonely. My buddy in all these tasks is gone.

I'm also aware that I'm doing some serious self-indulgence with this post. I don't know how else to vent this stupid sadness that wells up in my throat when I'm not expecting it.

He was old, but he was loyal. He was always there. He just wanted to help however he thought he could. I'd love to trip over him just one more time.

When you're torn between two big developments

Yesterday I went to training for my insulin pump trial. On my way home, I learned my dog has cancer on his liver and is looking at a maximum of two months left to live.

How else do you introduce two stories that inspire such opposing emotions?

On the one hand, I'm still not sure how to feel about the pump. It's a small weight attached to me at all times, and has already gotten on my nerves by preventing me from rolling after aikido.
On the other hand, I feel sad and distracted about Acer and trying to decide if and at what point to put him down. It's a constant psychological weight in the back of my mind.

I want to go into a discussion about both of these, but in focusing on one I feel like I'm not doing the emotions and gravity of the other situation justice. With the lack of photos to share, I'll just leave it with this:

• I have two weeks until I learn to use the CGM. In the meantime I'm going to try my darndest to really acclimate to this little purple pump. 
• I don't know how long I have with Acer, but we are planning to spoil him with car rides and treats this weekend, culminating in a small barbecue for him on Sunday, where he will get his own helping of steak and watermelon (I've never seen a dog like watermelon so much). 

Sorry for the lack of meat in this post. I wanted to say something about it while it was on my mind, but I'm having a hard time focusing.

In which I become a cyborg

I don't talk about diabetes very often here. Every now and then it comes up, but even in my every day life I don't bring it up a whole lot.

But tomorrow I start an experiment in my own care.

Tomorrow I go in for training on how to use a pump I've signed up to do a six-week trial of.

My doctor has wanted me to consider a pump almost as long as I've been seeing her (so two or three years now). A couple months ago I was poking around the Medtronic website and found a signup for the trial. Fast forward a month or so, montage a bunch of missed phone calls and voicemails and discussions, and here we are.

Oh goodness...

I finished the booklet reviewing the basics of pump therapy that came in the package I got Monday, and am taking a quick reflection break before I move on to the "Getting Started with the MiniMed 530G Insulin Pump" booklet.

It would be a lie to say I wasn't a little overwhelmed when I unpacked the boxes. I knew precious little about pumps, much less this one. From the discussions with the Medtronic rep, I knew it had been designed to be user-friendly to first-time pumpers and incorporates a continuous glucose monitor (CGM) in the setup.

It's PURPLE!

Past that, I didn't know how to load the insulin, how to correct for highs, what button does what, or anything. But going through the overview I learned some interesting things.

For instance, they have a Bolus Wizard in the pump that calculates a correction for high blood sugar or a given number of carbs consumed based on rates you put into the machine (which can be adjusted).

Equations. Long time no see.

The calculations aren't difficult to do, but having a machine do it for you saves the awkwardness of pulling a calculator out at each meal.

*silences judgmental Audrey*

So, as I head to the Getting Started booklet at almost 11 p.m. (hello Procrastination, my old friend), I decided to reflect on what may or may not be a positive change in a big part of my life I often pretend is not a big deal at all. I have a lot to learn to tomorrow, as well as questions about what to do with it during aikido, but I hope to update with the ins and outs I learn with my first experience on insulin pump therapy.