In Memoriam

We had to put Inky down about 3 weeks ago. That dog had become my best friend and I feel compelled to write about her.

Inky was not an immediate fit into our lives. We'd had to put down Acer a month or so prior and were still unsure of when we wanted another dog. Honestly, we felt a little coerced into agreeing to foster again, but it turns out that's what we, by which I mostly mean B, needed.

A bright-eyed, skinny ball of energy. The skinny part would diminish with us. :-D

This little boxer was much stronger and more energetic than our old Methuselah (rescue name for Acer). She liked to jump and had a knack for landing square on the crotch of the target. She was only about 50 pounds, but it was 50 pounds of muscle packed on her small stature.

I didn't want such a frisky dog. It didn't feel right to force a dog with so much energy to stay in a kennel all day while we were at work, then expect her to find a way to disperse that energy when we had none by the time we got home.

I made efforts to be a good dog foster. I gave the rescue a written description of her personality to put on their webpage. I took her to an adoption event in Belton and answered a lot of dumb, ill-advised questions from people who had no real interest in her ("She must be really old, look at her gray face!" or "Are those her natural ears?" and, my favorite, "How much would it cost to get her tail docked?").

Excuse me, I'm perfect as I am, sir.

But one day, I was sitting on the edge of the bed, my left leg stretched out in front of me, my right hanging off the edge. Inky was right between them, getting full body rubs and loving every moment. She turned toward me, her head upside down and natural boxer smile exaggerated, and gave me this look.

It was a combination of love, trust, contentment and devotion in her eyes, given in that pure, unadulterated, in-the-moment way only animals can manage.

I knew then she'd decided to keep us, and we would keep her.

Her energy level adapted to ours. She had her bat-out-of-hell moments when she was let out of her kennel in the evening for dinner, but she always ended up finding "her" spot in the couch -- her preferences being having her chin elevated slightly and some part of her body wedged against me or B -- and settled down.

Not uncommon.

She was a bit of a "grumpy old woman" at times, known for growling at whatever noises she heard in the front yard. B and I joked that she was muttering for them kids to get off her lawn.

She loved squeaky toys and being chased down for them.

She was completely food-driven, even learning new tricks at 7+ years old with the promise of a Milkbone. But she did have manners; she never got on the couch when one of us was eating. Someone, at some point, had taught her a thing or two before she ended up at Killeen Animal Shelter, and eventually the Austin Boxer Rescue.

I still compulsively look at her kennel when I walk into the bedroom, I guess checking to see if she's just reappeared. I haven't had the gumption to take it down yet, though I've put her bowls and toys in the garage. Every time I pass the kennel, it clinks as I brush it and my heart clenches a little.

The bed feels colder than usual, even with two people, because we don't have a little boxer body anchoring the top of the covers in place near our feet.

Like this, for example.

I don't have to worry about getting home in the evening to feed her, though the driving habit is still there. I still feel odd staying out later to run errands or do things because I Have To Get Home for no reason now.

You'd think you'd cry out all your emotions at some point. I thought I was doing well after that first week. But reliving things still unloads the tear ducts.

My heart aches for something to fill the dog-sized hole in my life. I'm trying to respect Brian's grieving process, which is taking longer than mine. It's not that I'm over Inky, I just can't stand the coldness and quietness I feel in the house without her presence and the gap in my daily routines that used to be filled with feeding or cuddling or other care.

I've never known a better cuddler.

Some of B's favorite moments.

I love you, Inky. I'm glad you didn't suffer, but we miss you terribly.

A "Blogger" I'm not... but perhaps I can be a journaler?

Soo... yeah. Long time no post.

In the rush of everyday life (and absence of plants on which to brag about) I lost any sort of inspiration to write.

HOWEVER... I did get a fancy new journal. My sister gave me a pretty purple Leuchtturm book for Christmas so I could indulge myself in this little interest in Bullet Journaling I'd developed.

No, it has not turned my life around. I do not track my emotional states or list the things I find myself grateful for in it, and the spreads are NOT the handwriting- or analog-graphic-design-porn you see on other bullet journal blogs, though those layouts were inspiring I was researching the system.

With coffee. Like ya do...

It's a planner. It's job is to help you plan and remember stuff. I list what I have to do for the day and sometimes note what actually happened or was accomplished on a particular day. I bought a bunch of planner-specific stickers to use in it - indulging my inner 9-year-old, who had a sticker collection on notebook paper - and I use a different colored highlighter each week. There are also loads fewer scraps of paper with random lists floating around my bag/car/kitchen because of it.

Part of why I wanted to do this post was to throw out some not-gorgeous bullet journal layouts. I see a lot of people afraid to try it because their handwriting sucks or they can't draw. Every bullet journaling blogger on the internet will harp that "that's not what it's about" as they showcase pages that look like what I'd imagine an ecstasy-fueled layout and design Instagram feed would.

Pictured: NOT MY JOURNAL. It is beautiful, but what average planning person has the time or skill?

I want to show the other side. Look at this crap:

It's clumsy, messy and smeared. There's a lot of bare, unused space. It's badly thought-out in some places and crudely executed in others. My weekly spreads improved as I experimented and figured out what works for me, but the important part is that it functions, even when it looks blah.

Even if they aren't ga-ga worthy, I do enjoy making layouts. I research what other people track and come up with my own take. For example, some people make fancy spreads to remember upcoming birthdays. Facebook accomplishes most of that for me, so I made a movie premier tracker instead, with spaces to log when I saw the movie, where, with whom and what I thought of it.

Six months was about as much as I could fit on 2 pages. I'm kinda behind on the more recent movies.

Habit trackers are rampant on BuJo (see how with the trend I am?) posts. I tried it for March, only to realize I do most things so infrequently they're not really worth tracking. But I have kept an ongoing record of my attempts at the treadmill, which is kinda cool I guess.

You might notice the milestones list on my treadmill page. Not that I've met any of them yet, but I've always liked the idea of having written, quantifiable goals. Part of my down-ness the last few months has been a realization of the fact that I don't have any real, plannable goals in my life. There are things I want, but nothing that has been something you could make a step-by-step plan to achieve. Honestly, I didn't even really care whether I could run a mile or not when I started. I still don't, if we're being up front here, but if I bribe myself with new stuff for hitting certain benchmarks, I'm way more likely to keep trying, even through some damn shin splints (yeah, I learned what a shin splint was last month!).

No, this new dot-grid journal has not made me a better, more functional, more punctual or more enlightened person in any way. I had my "make-a-list-when-you-need-a-list" process down and it worked all right. Now my lists are simply bound together, along with my random thoughts, idea dumps, doodles and discussion notes for me to review as I desire.

Here are some other not-Pin-worthy pages I happen to like.

"The Eventually List," where I dump all the gotta-remember-to's and oh-I-really-should's that swim in my head.

The day I got the stickers :-D Plus doodles and the weekly spread I'm mostly sticking with lately.

My overview for the next 3 months and April. Note that I messed up the spacing 

for April at the top of the left page. THAT'S OKAY.

A "here-comes-fall" type of entry

When I last updated it was to explain how studying for a pharmacy technician certification test was eating all of my spare time, as it should have. I passed the test in April, got my license and registration taken care of in May and by June I was officially a Certified Pharmacy Tech. I even got a new badge (and photo!) with the updated title.

I had so much free time and it would seem what I missed more than anything was reading, because I started doing it again with a gusto. Between May and now, early September, I finished The Magician King (second in the Magicians trilogy), My Side of The Mountain (a recommendation from Brian), Angelfall and When She Woke (a couple books sitting on my Kindle for a while), The Incredible Journey and even two comics: X-Men Season One and Wonder Woman: The Contest. I also started but did not finish Storm Front, the second novel of the Dresden Files. In mid- to late-July I started A Game of Thrones after meaning to for months, if not years. I'm about a hundred pages from finishing it finally and I'm enjoying it so much I've already ordered the next two books of the series from www.thriftbooks.com, where they were only about $4 each and shipping was free with an order over $10.

Aside of the Dresden Files book, I'm actually enjoying what I'm reading again. When She Woke is probably one of the most feminist things I've ever read and while I don't read to be preached at (I get more than enough of that on Facebook), it did give me several thoughts to chew on mentally, which I liked a lot. Angelfall was somewhat different than a lot of the young adult lit I read in its premise; yes, it was another dystopian novel, but the apocalypse was brought on by angels, so it's not a "man destroys himself" storyline again. The story lost me on the romance aspect though. I hate reading romance and shoehorning it into storylines for what should be a very good adventure series. It makes everything predictable and is one of my biggest pet peeves in YA (or any other) literature.

The Magicians trilogy has stayed kind of flat for me, so I haven't made any plans to read the final installment, though the TV series was very good from what I saw. The side-story of The Magician King, in which we find out what the main character's best friend had been up to after he left her to go to Brakebills in the first book, completely overshadowed the primary story line to me. Julia's journey was so much more intriguing than whatever Quintin was complaining about this time, so I feel the book failed its readers in this regard. The last novel seems to be following whiny Quintin yet again, so I'm not interested in seeing what happens anymore.

Now that I'm all caught up with the Game of Thrones television series, I'm even more happy to have started the Song of Ice and Fire book series. They are hefty stories and I don't think I'd have as easy a time comprehending them if I hadn't seen the show and already had some idea of the relationships between characters. So far, A Game of Thrones has been very much like the first season of the show, with a few differences here and there, so I'm looking forward to how the written story progresses from what I've seen in the TV series. Tyrion is as sarcastic as ever, so at least there's that.

Brian and I also had the idea to take steps to start the process of revamping our master bathroom. We bought a vanity on sale about a month ago (it has drawers!) and decided a paint color and bought a couple gallons last week, along with some hole repair supplies. Really all we have left to do is decide what type of flooring we want and acquire it. Neither of us have ever done a full remodel like this and we are anticipating the entire project, once we actually get started on taking things apart, to take a couple of months of time. But we are trying to buy the materials we need as we can afford them with the idea of not rushing into it and not going into debt doing so. It's a very small room though, so probably a good idea to start with to see how the process will actually go when we decide to re-do something else, like the bedroom or living room.

I will miss this one particular paint blob though. It kind of looks like a thoughtful cow...

I never got into actually gardening this year, aside of buying a $2 clearance mint plant on a whim at HEB. We started the process of building a flower bed out front sometime in May or June, but it was just too freaking hot to finish. Though we went and spent $200 on a tiller that has yet to leave the garage, we are going to try to hit it again once things cool off. Hopefully around the same time we will be able to spread some weed and seed on the lawn for fall too. I'll be damned if I let these stupid weeds - parthenium hysterophorus - take over EVERYTHING again. Geez they were relentless...

Also looking forward, we had a break in the heat last week! It's only getting into the 80s for highs lately and in Texas, that's good enough to start acting like it's finally fall. No sweaters yet, but I'm planning to set aside a day, probably in late October or early November, to focus on baking some of the pretty fall treats I pin to my Pinterest boards every year but never make. It worked well last Christmastime when I said "this day I am going to bake cookies," and it was fun, so I want to do it again in the fall. Pumpkin is obviously the favorite for fall flavors now, but I really like cinnamon and gingerbread, to an extent, so I want to play with those on my grand day of baking.

Fall also means Ren Fest is coming up. According to a video shared on Facebook, the fairgrounds were not horribly damaged by Harvey, so there's no good reason to expect the festival to be delayed. I have grand plans for a costume this year. Like, real plans: I've pinned and priced a few pieces from a costume site that is relatively affordable with great reviews, so here's hoping not to be rocking just the hat this year, but a full on outfit - and maybe persona?

And so there's a small "hello" and look into what's been going on lately. It doesn't include everything (I'm sure you were all here to hear about our trip to Oklahoma last month, my dabbles in Pilates or how much Supernatural we've been watching), but I missed the blogging experience and just wanted to get back to it again.

Here's a picture of Inky and I to send you off with:

I've learned at least one thing in all this studying...

Some of you know I've been spending a lot of time studying for a pharmacy tech certification test the last few months. It's gotten really intense in the last four weeks or so and as I find myself getting closer and closer to that wire, my mind keeps wandering to all the things I'd rather be doing.

I have no plants this year.

I haven't touched the sewing machine since around last summer.

I bought a writing prompt journal for my birthday last month, and haven't picked it up once.

We've been eating a LOT of take-out and "easy prep" meals, if I cook anything at all.

Basically, I have foregone any activity that typically brings me joy or contentment in order to focus on learning allegation tables, generic drug names and classes, and the ins-and-outs of HIPAA.

And I've come to the conclusion I probably could not go back to school at this point without at least going part-time with work.

BUT! I am in the review stage of studying: noting topics that I struggle to recall and getting ready to schedule the official test. It's literally to the wire at that point and I'm so ready to get it over with I could just punt. 

I miss having free time; blogging, planning activities that don't pan out, reading, searching new recipes on Pinterest, doing generally creative things...  so I can't wait to get this test behind me so I can do them again.

And from the shadows of the interwebs...

Oh hot damn, I'm back.

Where the heck has Audrey been in the last six months? Well, busy.

The biggest task was a move. Yes, we packed up the house in Temple and moved to Killeen. By the time we got the Temple house fixed up and (finally) on the market, it was available a whole two days and saw two prospective buyers before someone decided they wanted it. A few more repairs and a month-ish later (late December) it was sold.

Obviously that takes a bit of time. Then we were sans internet for about two months while we got settled in. The water and electricity still has to be transferred to our names, but, you know, priorities.

I've also been reading a lot more thanks to getting into this Goodreads website. There are so many books on my "to-read" shelf now I don't think I'll really ever make a dent, but the yearly reading challenges give me a reason to try.

Something about a goal other people can see makes a great driving factor. I even surpassed my 2016 goal of 10 books!

I've also been studying for my pharmacy tech certification in both the downtime at work and on free evenings at home. We've been given access to an online course through our employer, and now that we have internet at home I should be able to run through it pretty quickly to hit my spring goal of taking the test.

Now that we're in January (aka pre-spring in Texas with the sun and allergies I've been seeing), I've been thinking about this year's gardening endeavors. With a new yard that gets quite a bit more sun than the last one, I'm thinking real seriously about having a strictly herbal focus this year. My basil from last year is still alive, but not enjoying the alternating winter-summer thing we've had lately, but the hardware stores already have their herbs for sale now, including some fennel I saw yesterday that I've never seen before.

So that's kind of where I've been and where I am now. I need to go shower before class, but hopefully this won't be the last update for another six months.

An unexpected compliment

I received an unexpected compliment today.

But first the background:

Brian and I went to Houston last weekend to visit Phillip, an aikido friend who has been working on getting a group started on the east side. They recently relocated to a community center and lost their weekend practice times, so his main two students came to his house to play and hang out on Saturday night.

No one got photos of me, but here's Brian and Phillip playing in the living room.

Phillip asked Brian about the owaza jupon (don't quote me on the spelling of that), or "Big 10" kata, which Brian immediately passed off to me.

The Big 10 is nicknamed the "Big Snip" in our school because the focus of diverging centers in the techniques is best accomplished with very little use of muscle. But males want to muscle everything and tend to struggle with their testosterone to complete the techniques correctly, so we jokingly tell them to "leave their balls in the dressing room" for this one. Brian defaulted the question to me because I don't have as much trouble muscling through the kata as he does.

Anyway, I demonstrated a couple of the Big 10 techniques for the Houston crew. Apparently I impressed and surprised. I was told that one person's eyes "got so wide," as he apparently didn't expect me to actually knock him down. Another guy told Brian I was a "badass." It was all rather nice.

But the actual compliment came today. I got a text from Phillip asking me to call when I had a chance. During my lunch break I call and am told about some kind of women's event happening Thursday evening that his wife is taking part in. She was talking about the school to some women involved in the planning and they seemed interested in East Houston Aikido Club representing at the event. Phillip wanted to take part to get more exposure for his group, but wanted a female to help with the demonstration to pique more of the audience's interest.

Unfortunately, I can't make the event; I'd have to take half a day off tomorrow (Thursday) to make it by 6 p.m. and make the return after 9 p.m. and likely still go to work the next day. I just can't marathon that kind of trip anymore, but I really really wish I could. As an alternative, I told Phillip if he was still going to go to the event and pass out flyers, I could video some sample demos he could share with any interested passersby, but I haven't gotten an answer on if it would be helpful or not.

Fortunately these events are apparently not uncommon, so a chance to do this again -- and hopefully with a little more time to prepare -- in the future is not completely out of the question.

Audrey Update III: Garden Watch 2016, the summer of surprises

You really didn't think I stopped gardening, did you?

Sure, things have been hectic, but just because there's a lot less gratuitous plant photo-sharing on this blog doesn't mean I'm not getting my hands dirty this year.

I did decide to narrow my focus this time around. Aside of the two pepper plants that survived the winter, I figured since my talent seemed to lie in making things get really leafy I should focus on herbs this year. You know, stuff you want to make leaves.

It started with the Grow Your Own Cocktails kit I mentioned in a previous post. The blue borage started off strong, with lemon balm and a few others trailing slowly behind. Only a couple, lavender and mint, refused to sprout.

I shared this photo in a past update.

There were also cilantro, dill and basil from some seed pods among the great Porch Pot Upgrade.

Well, something ate the beautiful blue borage (the big-leafed one in the above photo). Slowly, too. I thought they were just dying at first, but the plant marker mysteriously falling over more than once lead me to believe it was rabbits again. Over the course of about a week, the borage was no more.

R.I.P. Blue Borage. :-(

The seed pod sprouts died off too, so I caved and purchased mint, basil and parsley at the store.

So happy togetherrrrr!

The cilantro seemed to be ok when I transplanted it, but quickly died afterward. But some odd sprouts came out of the pot that I just let grow to see what they'd become. I planted the lemon balm in the same pot as the thyme (which decided it wasn't worth growing anyway), and some more mystery sprouts also appeared here, as well as in the basil pot pictured above.

Pictured above: Lemon balm and definitely-not-lemon-balm. Below: not cilantro. 

All I can figure is the dirt I took from last year's tomato tree must have had more life in it than I thought, because I have tomato sprouts every-freaking-where now.

There's another sprout in with the not-cilantro that I still can't identify. It doesn't give off any smell I can detect, and the closest I can come to comparing it in my limited experience is to a potato vine.

Any input or insight would be appreciated.

The next surprise was a little sprout that appeared in the pot of dead rosemary from last year. It appeared in the beginning of the spring and didn't look like a weed. Turned out to be a flower that I've never bought before, but see every year in plant nurseries.

The specific name escapes me, and the current bloom has wilted, unfortunately.

THEN came a surprise from a houseplant I bought nearly four years ago on clearance at Walmart in Killeen or Copperas Cove.

Thanks to technology I know this was on September 26, 2012. I can't remember it ever being so small.

I thought it was neat looking and a little research told me it was a natural air filter, so I made it mine. Then I left it outside one cold night and a lot of the leaves died. I was left with a funny pineapple top-looking plant.

Not a lot of filtration happening here...

Then a few weeks ago I noticed something. A small something.

Look at it!

It's re-starting itself! I'm going to wait for the mini-me to get a bit bigger, then it be a sad, choppy farewell to the pineapple top to make way for the new generation.

The pepper plants are doing well. We've gotten two banana peppers so far and there are two small bell peppers taking their time to grow.

 Banana pepper number three and the freshman bell peppers.

 Pests still abound, but I'm trying to be smarter than my competition if possible. You can see some eggshell in my herbs to deter snails, and I shared a photo of one on Facebook that somehow nabbed a mint leaf despite my efforts.

They're a real problem.

So there you go. There have been a lot of surprise plants and resurgence this season, as well as a fair amount of disappointment. Here's to the successes, though, and hope for continued victories.

Audrey Update Part II: Medical tech

I posted a short intro about starting an insulin pump/continuous glucose monitor (CGM) trial last month. On April 6 I went to meet the Medtronic rep and get hooked up to the pump. As I was leaving the appointment we learned Acer had cancer, so my focus had to be split for those following two weeks.

You may remember this photo.

It took me a while to warm up to the pump. That's not to say it was hard to use, it was actually pretty simple. It was harder to adapt to being attached to something all the time. Finding sites that didn't get in the way of waistbands or risk being unstuck by motion has taken some practice. I haven't really moved from my stomach much (I did try my right thigh for a while, but that proved a problem when I went to the bathroom).

All in all, the pump has been okay. I know those two or three weeks of having it actually made an impact on my A1C, which was a 6.9, the lowest it had been in my last five blood draws.

This is an A1C to blood sugar comparison chart from www.diabetesdaily.com, for reference sake. 

I've always struggled with being on the high side of my BG levels, so getting down to 6.9 after just three weeks was amazing (most of the more recent results were between around 7.3 and 7.8). 

Then I got hooked up to the CGM about two weeks ago.

First, the country song of my life continued on my way to that appointment. See, the previous week I realized I couldn't make it to the original CGM setup appointment due to work, so I went online to cancel. I'm on my way to what was going to be a combination appointment  to see my endocrinologist, then meet with the educator and Medtronic rep, which - keep in mind - is about an hour away from where I live and I've taken an extended lunch break, but haven't eaten, to make it that day. I'd spent most of the drive talking to my insurance about the wreck the last week and am driving a zippy rental car I'm still not entirely comfortable with. When I get a call from the clinic. "Did you cancel your appointment today?" the lady asks. 

"What? No, I cancelled the one last week and they rescheduled me for today after my appointment with the doctor."

"Well we have your Medtronic lady here, but the computer said you cancelled." She went on to read my notes, stating my availability Wednesday for a reschedule, the Wednesday I'd had off the previous week.

"No, oh my gosh, I must have cancelled the wrong one. But I'm almost there right now."

"It's okay, just come on in, we'll figure it out."

Immediately following I get a text from the Medtronic rep, who was apparently at the check in desk, as confused as the rest of us. 

So I arrive, learned I'd inadvertently cancelled my endo appointment, but could get in for the CGM setup in about 30 minutes. They would reschedule my doctor appointment for two weeks from then (today) and apologize for the confusion. 

The current setup, as I'm writing, for visual. The CGM (middle thingy all taped to skin) takes BG readings every five minutes and sends them to the pump (purple thing hooked to pocket). The pump can suspend delivery of insulin (through infusion at top) if BGs get too low for too long.

After all that mess, I had to get used to a little pod stuck to my body that beeped seemingly constantly all night and all the next morning telling me I was low or high. I hated the thing. All the attempts to remedy what was wrong just led to opposite problems later. I ignored the low alerts at night (shame shame, I know) because I knew I always wake up high. Sure enough, I woke up at 160-something without ever having remedied the lows at 3, 4 and 6 a.m. 

Then I went and had breakfast, some kind of bun and coffee, and dealt with it constantly ringing that I was over 250 all morning, even though I'd given the bolus and the pump kept saying there was still "active insulin" in my system. Of course I crashed before I hit my lunch break because I kept trying to fix the highs and it ended up overcorrecting. 

Just two days on the stupid CGM and my beautiful track record of glucose readings staying mostly in the low 100s was wrecked. 

In the time since, it has started to even out a bit. I still spike a little after breakfast, but I try to figure the bolus to better match what I'm eating to avoid the stupid beeping alerts. 

Now, I have about 30 minutes until it's time to leave for my rescheduled doctor appointment, and the CGM has told me it's time to let it recharge and put it somewhere else on my body. I've done this one other time and it took me about 20 minutes to figure out. I'm not sure if I can make it happen, but I guess I need to try. 

Overall review? Pump: would probably opt for later, when I have more funds available to make the payments, but shots were much easier to juggle with aikido.

CGM: only if I have to. I hate don't really like it. 

Audrey Update Part I : The car

I finally figured out a way to post updates about what's been making my life a country song the last month or so: I'm going to do it in parts. They're probably going to come in order of what I feel is biggest news, so firstly: I totaled my car last month.

Yes, the 2012 Yaris I'd only had (and been paying on) for a year now sits in a salvage yard somewhere. On my way to work last month I found myself sandwiched between an Altima (to the front) and some kind of SUV (to the back) right in the middle of Friday morning traffic. At some point the Altima had also been pushed into a pickup in front of it. No one was seriously hurt, thank goodness, but it's kind of a nightmare to lose your vehicle.

This was after they lifted the hood to cut some power. All the shiny emblems on the ground.

Though I don't remember what led to the initial impact, I do remember thinking "Oh shit," then feeling the second impact and just closing my eyes. It felt like we were hit about eight times, but from the number of vehicles involved I know I could have only felt a maximum of three.

 Shattered.

I know the photos don't look like much, but I was hit enough that I couldn't open either door to get out of the car. The windows rolled down, so I had to climb out. That was a clue the frame had been bent, Brian said.

I walked away with a sore back and neck for about two days and bruises on my knees from impact with my dash, but that was about it. My insurance has been great though. I was set up with a rental by that afternoon (I didn't go into work that day, but made it in Saturday) and really didn't have to do anything outside of provide statements for what happened a couple of times. Even when one of the drivers involved started to claim injury, I was informed that it was basically whiplash and a bruise, so my initial freak-out was calmed.

I've been playing phone tag with one of the other drivers' insurance for about two weeks. I actually dreamed about making it a priority to get in touch with them last night. But other than that and a citation I need to look into, things seem mostly wrapped up. My insurance and the gap insurance we got with the Yaris covered pretty much everything, so the only out of pocket expenses I paid were for the tow from the scene and for additional insurance on the rental for a couple of days while I was still shaken up.

We purchased a Tacoma from the same dealership we got the Yaris. Brian made the case that it was his turn to have a new car, and while half of me wanted to be selfish, the other half saw reason. I'm now driving the slow boat Impala. It's still full of Brian's stuff, but it's paid for and gets me to work.

Before this wreck I had only been rearended a couple of times, so spent a lot of my time more concerned about drivers behind me than in front of me. Now I'm a bit more observant of both ends. I'm still a little paranoid though. Brake lights send a shot of adrenaline through my system, but I'm watching my following distance much more closely now.

Since my VW, I liked getting photos of my odometer at interesting numbers. This was the last one I'd taken for the Yaris, on April 15. 

That first coffee after you lose your dog

When I found out I was going to be off on Monday and Tuesday this week, I was grateful. We planned to put Acer down this afternoon, so I was glad I was going to have the day to spend with him and the following day to get my head right before going back to work. But situations changed and we ended up putting him Sunday around noon.

It rained all day yesterday. On the trip to the vet, the trip to Jacque's, the whole time we were burying him. The entire afternoon and evening while Brian talked on the phone and I kept fighting waves of "It's fine" and "He's gone."

This morning I slept in a little, but when I got up there was still a tug to go let him out of his kennel so he could go out from the back of my mind. As I'm trying to figure out breakfast, something in the back of my mind kept saying "You should see if he wants to eat anything this morning." Unloading the dishwasher I kept expecting to turn around and have him standing right in my way.

It's always so much harder than I think it will be.

I'm at the dining table, listening to music, drinking coffee and typing. I hesitated to plug in my tablet because he would trip over the cord if he tried to get by it.

Part of me is clawing to get another dog. Something to fill the empty kennel in the living room and missing part of my damn life. But I know I need to process this first. I need to gather up Acer's things, sort out what belongs to us and what goes back to the rescue to help another animal. I want to go through photos to make a collage to go under the one that features Grace.

I also just want to not be in the house today. Normally I don't at all mind being home all day. I play music, clean the kitchen, watch TV, cook  things, plan for the week, and am just generally productive  while also relaxing myself. But today it seems empty and cold in here. Lonely. My buddy in all these tasks is gone.

I'm also aware that I'm doing some serious self-indulgence with this post. I don't know how else to vent this stupid sadness that wells up in my throat when I'm not expecting it.

He was old, but he was loyal. He was always there. He just wanted to help however he thought he could. I'd love to trip over him just one more time.

When you're torn between two big developments

Yesterday I went to training for my insulin pump trial. On my way home, I learned my dog has cancer on his liver and is looking at a maximum of two months left to live.

How else do you introduce two stories that inspire such opposing emotions?

On the one hand, I'm still not sure how to feel about the pump. It's a small weight attached to me at all times, and has already gotten on my nerves by preventing me from rolling after aikido.
On the other hand, I feel sad and distracted about Acer and trying to decide if and at what point to put him down. It's a constant psychological weight in the back of my mind.

I want to go into a discussion about both of these, but in focusing on one I feel like I'm not doing the emotions and gravity of the other situation justice. With the lack of photos to share, I'll just leave it with this:

• I have two weeks until I learn to use the CGM. In the meantime I'm going to try my darndest to really acclimate to this little purple pump. 
• I don't know how long I have with Acer, but we are planning to spoil him with car rides and treats this weekend, culminating in a small barbecue for him on Sunday, where he will get his own helping of steak and watermelon (I've never seen a dog like watermelon so much). 

Sorry for the lack of meat in this post. I wanted to say something about it while it was on my mind, but I'm having a hard time focusing.

In which I become a cyborg

I don't talk about diabetes very often here. Every now and then it comes up, but even in my every day life I don't bring it up a whole lot.

But tomorrow I start an experiment in my own care.

Tomorrow I go in for training on how to use a pump I've signed up to do a six-week trial of.

My doctor has wanted me to consider a pump almost as long as I've been seeing her (so two or three years now). A couple months ago I was poking around the Medtronic website and found a signup for the trial. Fast forward a month or so, montage a bunch of missed phone calls and voicemails and discussions, and here we are.

Oh goodness...

I finished the booklet reviewing the basics of pump therapy that came in the package I got Monday, and am taking a quick reflection break before I move on to the "Getting Started with the MiniMed 530G Insulin Pump" booklet.

It would be a lie to say I wasn't a little overwhelmed when I unpacked the boxes. I knew precious little about pumps, much less this one. From the discussions with the Medtronic rep, I knew it had been designed to be user-friendly to first-time pumpers and incorporates a continuous glucose monitor (CGM) in the setup.

It's PURPLE!

Past that, I didn't know how to load the insulin, how to correct for highs, what button does what, or anything. But going through the overview I learned some interesting things.

For instance, they have a Bolus Wizard in the pump that calculates a correction for high blood sugar or a given number of carbs consumed based on rates you put into the machine (which can be adjusted).

Equations. Long time no see.

The calculations aren't difficult to do, but having a machine do it for you saves the awkwardness of pulling a calculator out at each meal.

*silences judgmental Audrey*

So, as I head to the Getting Started booklet at almost 11 p.m. (hello Procrastination, my old friend), I decided to reflect on what may or may not be a positive change in a big part of my life I often pretend is not a big deal at all. I have a lot to learn to tomorrow, as well as questions about what to do with it during aikido, but I hope to update with the ins and outs I learn with my first experience on insulin pump therapy.